A couple pep talks and maybe a poem?

β€œLive for love!!

When I miss I close my eyes and breathe

I sing a song for you

I release my stress as I run down this path of life

I hold myself tight to know this is where it starts

The pain , the laughter , and the love

The closer I feel to you the stronger I grow, the more confidence, I build and the more adventure I seek to make life better for me, for my future

Is to fight to the very end knowing we can’t give up on each other through it all. My secret life of love that develops me for you shhh…aaah bring me more. It’s my drug to keep surviving, to keep going on and to keep loving and to keep going. πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜β€


β€œI am taking my revenge out on love. It has broken me and made me loathe the day it ever existed. I don’t have it. I can’t have it. I have to wait for it. It is not who I am, it does not mirror my soul. Instead it hurts me and makes me watch its corpse lay there and sink down into the ground and leave me with the hurt of the pastπŸ‘ΏπŸ‘ΏπŸ‘Ώ. Leaves me with the hurt of the past. The past that tears love apart that way it is stuck to the soul to mirror pain and pain only. πŸ‘ΏπŸ‘ΏπŸ‘ΏπŸ‘Ώ no one can have me…. Only I can have me!”


β€œI didn’t have sex with Melvin and that ended us completely. I don’t care and I’m proud of myself. I want to go looking for a car but I would need help and I asked my fucked up mother and she told me to go online! I fucking hate her! My fucked up alcoholic drinking ass brother doesn’t want to help me but he wants to tell me I’m using his friends and he doesn’t want me talking to him but he uses the fuck out of the girls. They both are fucking retarded!!! I’m only with they ass to basically help myself out with “saving money all that other shit , no! I’m about to get my own place when I get my car so fuck them! I’m moving up with my life and nobody and they stupid ass can stop me. I don’t want to talk to Michael. He needs to focus on school and he doesn’t need me. What does he need me for if he doesn’t want a relationship? Sex and that’s it. I’m not having sex no time soon because I fucking don’t want to. I want to be by myself and people in general are just fucked up. I swear I know I had to learn life lessons when Donald passed away but he was everything in one when it came to love. We had that bond that I have to wait to build. I don’t want to wait so i don’t want shit. I want to just be literally me and me only for a while. I wanna start school back and I want to love myself and take care of myself without people so I’m going to stay to myself and live my life until its time for me to make a family. I want my own family. I’m sick of these fucked up people in this world. Ima make sure my kids know. Ima still fight I don’t care what happens and I will not limit myself or stop myself for anything. They will grow just as strong as I am”


Ok well aim not sure what that one was about but I wrote these back in 2013. I have always been a writer. I wrote poems short story’s, love fantasies, I have them private on this blog. If u want to read them just let me know. Lol. I hope you enjoy the share!

Thursday Thought.

Wow I had not realized it was Thursday I’ve been awake since four last night and I haven’t went to sleep yet. I just have been up with anxiety and thinking and writing and actually I’ve been putting curls in my hair too. Curls are my favorite.

My boyfriend left for school. He’ll be back but I’m just like missing him a lot.

I talked to my case manager yesterday about a lot of things I was dealing with such as patterns and why I have been acting the way I act with my relationships as opposed to other things.

I am just rambling right now but I just like getting my thoughts out sometimes and just sharing them with anyone who decides to listen. Lol. I just want to inspire girls everywhere. Hopefully they, you know, can share their thoughts too and be comfortable and open like I am. Sharing things, rambling, talking about themselves personally so they won’t feel alone.

What I want to do plus more. LoL

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     I was asked What do I want for myself. I want to be able to lead, I want to live comfortably for me and my son. I want stability. I want friends and support. I dont mind the ups and downs, those keep me working harder to cintinue to be the be.

A couple times I just wanted to spend some quality time with my significant other along with his kids and my son. There were a couple of times in the past when we did have this quality time. I didn’t appreciate it as much as I want to now. I was to scared back then and I read other’s stories and as I am reading I’m like how can you be scared? I know why.

I actually am thinking about him right now. I know I am supposed to be talking about what I want and he is definitely a big part of it. I didnt appreciate him in the past. He has been so good to me and I pushed him away so much, even though I was madly falling for him. I didnt want to get distracted, I didnt want to give more attention to a man than I did my son. I wanted my son, the only male in my life that held me together to be put first before anything and everything.

I am actualy glad I had this experience and that I had this strong mindset because it made me realize that I had the power to stand up for whatever I believed in. A couple years ago I would have not been in the state of mind I am in right now. Thankfully, my bestfriend can attest to that. I didnt care about women, men, other people.

I couldn’t stand people because I dealt with them everyday at my job.  The way they talked to me, the negativity, the comments, the sneaky racist remarks. The way men made me feel so disgusted about how the stared me down while I was trying to work.  Some women. and there were older women, just looked at me in disgust because I was young and I was a threat. I just dont’t understand why it had to be that way.

I was discussing things with these people that , hell I dont know if it made a difference or not, but I would speak my mind and forget all about my job, I hated my job. It felt like nothing I did there mattered because certain pople started to take that for granted. No recognition, always the problems that were recognized.

The only revognition I got was just a dollar raise every year and that wasnt enough to keep me there, in fact when it came down to it, that was the only thing keeping me there. I was making $14 and hour. My raise to $15 an hour was threatened, especially with the amount of times I was late. So many times at that place I knew it was done.

Part of the reason










Premenstrual Rant

 

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I am really going through it. I’m really struggling its that time of the month. I really want some ice cream, Baskin Robbins rainbow sherbet sound so good right now. Maybe a snickers chocolate bar, or snickers ice cream bar. Also maybe even some Reese’s pieces so great right about now. Pamprin would help to right now because I feel so bloated. It really helps with the water retention, makes me feel so much better and it also helps with the cramps. The pads I use are always. I like to cuddle with a nice throw blanket. Fuzzy socks  I still have from Christmas. I also would like a teddy bear. I also like to watch a favorite comedy show or maybe even a dram. Caress Foam Shower gel is my fave or maybe even dial moisturizing shower wash and stress ball helps and I really want to cry so I make sure I have some soft tissues like Kleenex tissue box. All of these things I purchased from Walmart. Maybe I need to make a store run.