Goodness growing a human for the second time. I love it but man does it feel like he’ll on earth sometimes. I have stomach aches. My prenatal vitamin is making me constipated. Sometimes I just want to be comfortable but comfort is a sacrifice I have to make to grow this beautiful human.
Nowadays being pregnant is like the baby is actually here. Constantly nagging me, constantly in the way which is everyone. Im annoyed all the damn time. Feels like I’m pregnant with danny again.
I really can’t think straight nowadays. My brain is not my own I feel like my thoughts just slip away from me and its hard to catch them once they are gone and it makes me so angry.
Im so angry and my boyfriends dad. Mainly because I see the bullshit he pulls and the fact that he is always trying to tangle in my relationship. I take that very personal. From what I can see, people as a human race can’t stand being bored so when the mind gets bored it gets curious. Depending on a persons mind set it can be very creative and diabolical or it can be creative and have nice intentions. Unfortunately, I have the diabolical creative monster in my ear nagging tf out of me about my relationship all the time!
“Live for love!!
When I miss I close my eyes and breathe
I sing a song for you
I release my stress as I run down this path of life
I hold myself tight to know this is where it starts
The pain , the laughter , and the love
The closer I feel to you the stronger I grow, the more confidence, I build and the more adventure I seek to make life better for me, for my future
Is to fight to the very end knowing we can’t give up on each other through it all. My secret life of love that develops me for you shhh…aaah bring me more. It’s my drug to keep surviving, to keep going on and to keep loving and to keep going. 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍”
“I am taking my revenge out on love. It has broken me and made me loathe the day it ever existed. I don’t have it. I can’t have it. I have to wait for it. It is not who I am, it does not mirror my soul. Instead it hurts me and makes me watch its corpse lay there and sink down into the ground and leave me with the hurt of the past👿👿👿. Leaves me with the hurt of the past. The past that tears love apart that way it is stuck to the soul to mirror pain and pain only. 👿👿👿👿 no one can have me…. Only I can have me!”
“I didn’t have sex with Melvin and that ended us completely. I don’t care and I’m proud of myself. I want to go looking for a car but I would need help and I asked my fucked up mother and she told me to go online! I fucking hate her! My fucked up alcoholic drinking ass brother doesn’t want to help me but he wants to tell me I’m using his friends and he doesn’t want me talking to him but he uses the fuck out of the girls. They both are fucking retarded!!! I’m only with they ass to basically help myself out with “saving money all that other shit , no! I’m about to get my own place when I get my car so fuck them! I’m moving up with my life and nobody and they stupid ass can stop me. I don’t want to talk to Michael. He needs to focus on school and he doesn’t need me. What does he need me for if he doesn’t want a relationship? Sex and that’s it. I’m not having sex no time soon because I fucking don’t want to. I want to be by myself and people in general are just fucked up. I swear I know I had to learn life lessons when Donald passed away but he was everything in one when it came to love. We had that bond that I have to wait to build. I don’t want to wait so i don’t want shit. I want to just be literally me and me only for a while. I wanna start school back and I want to love myself and take care of myself without people so I’m going to stay to myself and live my life until its time for me to make a family. I want my own family. I’m sick of these fucked up people in this world. Ima make sure my kids know. Ima still fight I don’t care what happens and I will not limit myself or stop myself for anything. They will grow just as strong as I am”
Ok well aim not sure what that one was about but I wrote these back in 2013. I have always been a writer. I wrote poems short story’s, love fantasies, I have them private on this blog. If u want to read them just let me know. Lol. I hope you enjoy the share!
Wow I had not realized it was Thursday I’ve been awake since four last night and I haven’t went to sleep yet. I just have been up with anxiety and thinking and writing and actually I’ve been putting curls in my hair too. Curls are my favorite.
My boyfriend left for school. He’ll be back but I’m just like missing him a lot.
I talked to my case manager yesterday about a lot of things I was dealing with such as patterns and why I have been acting the way I act with my relationships as opposed to other things.
I am just rambling right now but I just like getting my thoughts out sometimes and just sharing them with anyone who decides to listen. Lol. I just want to inspire girls everywhere. Hopefully they, you know, can share their thoughts too and be comfortable and open like I am. Sharing things, rambling, talking about themselves personally so they won’t feel alone.
Blogging is very scary to me. Why I am not sure. Im a very fearful person. I know I’m supposed to be full of confidence and spark but Im not. Im in fact very self conscious, I beat myself up alot, and I can be very competitive and overthink.I have struggle for the past 2 years trying to figure out what to write about. Unfortunately Im very anxious and I want to be perfect so I can get the attention I deserve. What attention that is, I have no clue. I dont know where my life is headed. I don’t want to talk about anything depressing and I dont want to try to hard.
I worry too much about what people think. I worry that I am going to embarass myself and look like a fool. I am also fearful of failure. I have alot of thoughts and alot of things to say but no answers. I go back and forth wondering, well I like make up and I want to show people who I am but then I see everyone else with their blogs and I just freak out like well its too late for me. I dont have enough time. I dont want anyone to know who I am honestly.
Its so many way I could live life but I havent figured out how to live mine yet. I have a son. Im in school trying to get my business degree. I am a person that wants to be in so many places at once. Unfortunately because I overwhelm myself with thoughts and fears and what everyone else thinks, I get stuck in a serious paralyzed state caused by my thoughts.
I know there are only images in this post related to make up but I am trying to keep the insspiration going. I dont even wear makeup! I just love looking at it. It makes me feel like someone but I wouldnt dare to put it on. I like all things beauty, skin care, some days I like glitter all things shiny and glamourous. Other days I may only prefer to sleep in the bed all day to avoid feeling any anxiety.
I dont understand why I fill up with anxiety the moment I open my eyes. Its frustrating because either I have to take a prescription to calm myself down or stay sleep. Anxiety really paralyzes me at times and I hate it. I used to just be able to get up and do things but I cant do that without getting a headache from thinking and worrying to much. All of the things that go on in my head drains my energy. I shut out the world and want to go into a crying fit.
Unfortunately my boyfriend or my friends dont allow it. THey text me, “Hey, where are you?” Its kind of funny to me because it helps me snap out of whatever I am dealing with being trapped inside of myself and I appreciate them doing. I dont even know where I am prior to them getting in touch with me. I am going to talk about my bf alot more and along with products I like and suggest and I just want to share share share as much as I can.
I am a thinker and I would like to be a writer, maybe? Just Bringing my thoughts and rambling. ttyl!
I know I am very blessed to have made it up to this point with the knowledge I have and even though deep down inside I’m fighting myself because I am not preparing for the worst. I dont have a back up, I refuse to give up and I know it’s going to work out.
I have huge dreams that I have been putting aside. I wanted to sing when I was little, didn’t have the confidence or strength to do that. When I got into school I was obsessed with dancing but my hand-eye coordination was off, something was wrong but I let that go.
When I was living with my former significant other I had dreams to shop, travel the world, and be my best version of me. Even though that was a hard time in my life, that part of my life I loved the most because I was everything I didnt want to be. I was angry, jealous, self-conscious, had crazy mood swings, and throwing tantrums. These things are much worse than how I mention it. Only I can imagine.
I found out after days ,months, and even a couple of years in denial that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. This is a subject that hits me so hard and I am crying as I type this out because I hate it. This can be discussed at a later time now that I think about it.
I learned to love myself because that was a dream I knew I could accomplish no matter what happened in life. There was definitely alot happening in my life.
The love I had for myself was unconditional, bitter, back and forth, confused, and even a disaster but I knew that it would all have been worth it in the end. Now I have the man of my dreams because of it but, I had lots of help and I am grateful for it.
That is why I refuse to give up on this Affiliate Marketing thing because its not just the Affiliate Marketing, its the desire I have to help everyone. I know that isnt possible but I ain’t quiting.
EmpowerKai is the soul of my presence on the internet, social media, and everything I post. It is my business to inspire, motivate, and uplift the next person.
I dont have my definition of my presence clearly stated out and to the point but I am getting there. I am getting there and it’s a journey that requires alot of rerouting, revamping, and restarting. I am going to keep this method going until I end up where I know I made a significant impact and that my presence doesnt go unnoticed.
I am a BBW. I have curves and according to my significant other, alot of them. So I know I am still new to this whole “advertising products” thing. I looked at this swimsuit collection I had on my website and couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t fit into that!
I have to be all about me. Who am I? Who are my friends? What is my culture? Even though I can answer all of those things with one word, I don’t think before today I fully understood what being myself meant. Im advertising the exact opposite of who I am. I was so caught up in ” I know this is going to get me sales I just have to give the people what they want.”
I carried that with me up until now, knowing that I am not a people pleaser and I refuse to persuade an audience that I can not relate to. Subconsciously this was something I was doing. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and ignorant not even thinking twice about what I was doing. I need to stick to what I know and what I thought I knew wasn’t getting me anywhere.
I am proud of myself because this is growth for me and what I stand for. I’m on a mission and in a chapter where I define who I am and when I finally get that definition certified through my soul, I’ll have the greatest powerful moment and my world will light up with strength and dignity.
A couple times I just wanted to spend some quality time with my significant other along with his kids and my son. There were a couple of times in the past when we did have this quality time. I didn’t appreciate it as much as I want to now. I was to scared back then and I read other’s stories and as I am reading I’m like how can you be scared? I know why.
I actually am thinking about him right now. I know I am supposed to be talking about what I want and he is definitely a big part of it. I didnt appreciate him in the past. He has been so good to me and I pushed him away so much, even though I was madly falling for him. I didnt want to get distracted, I didnt want to give more attention to a man than I did my son. I wanted my son, the only male in my life that held me together to be put first before anything and everything.
I am actualy glad I had this experience and that I had this strong mindset because it made me realize that I had the power to stand up for whatever I believed in. A couple years ago I would have not been in the state of mind I am in right now. Thankfully, my bestfriend can attest to that. I didnt care about women, men, other people.
I couldn’t stand people because I dealt with them everyday at my job. The way they talked to me, the negativity, the comments, the sneaky racist remarks. The way men made me feel so disgusted about how the stared me down while I was trying to work. Some women. and there were older women, just looked at me in disgust because I was young and I was a threat. I just dont’t understand why it had to be that way.
I was discussing things with these people that , hell I dont know if it made a difference or not, but I would speak my mind and forget all about my job, I hated my job. It felt like nothing I did there mattered because certain pople started to take that for granted. No recognition, always the problems that were recognized.
The only revognition I got was just a dollar raise every year and that wasnt enough to keep me there, in fact when it came down to it, that was the only thing keeping me there. I was making $14 and hour. My raise to $15 an hour was threatened, especially with the amount of times I was late. So many times at that place I knew it was done.
Part of the reason