Nowadays being pregnant is like the baby is actually here. Constantly nagging me, constantly in the way which is everyone. Im annoyed all the damn time. Feels like I’m pregnant with danny again.

I really can’t think straight nowadays. My brain is not my own I feel like my thoughts just slip away from me and its hard to catch them once they are gone and it makes me so angry.

Im so angry and my boyfriends dad. Mainly because I see the bullshit he pulls and the fact that he is always trying to tangle in my relationship. I take that very personal. From what I can see, people as a human race can’t stand being bored so when the mind gets bored it gets curious. Depending on a persons mind set it can be very creative and diabolical or it can be creative and have nice intentions. Unfortunately, I have the diabolical creative monster in my ear nagging tf out of me about my relationship all the time!

A couple pep talks and maybe a poem?

β€œLive for love!!

When I miss I close my eyes and breathe

I sing a song for you

I release my stress as I run down this path of life

I hold myself tight to know this is where it starts

The pain , the laughter , and the love

The closer I feel to you the stronger I grow, the more confidence, I build and the more adventure I seek to make life better for me, for my future

Is to fight to the very end knowing we can’t give up on each other through it all. My secret life of love that develops me for you shhh…aaah bring me more. It’s my drug to keep surviving, to keep going on and to keep loving and to keep going. πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜β€

β€œI am taking my revenge out on love. It has broken me and made me loathe the day it ever existed. I don’t have it. I can’t have it. I have to wait for it. It is not who I am, it does not mirror my soul. Instead it hurts me and makes me watch its corpse lay there and sink down into the ground and leave me with the hurt of the pastπŸ‘ΏπŸ‘ΏπŸ‘Ώ. Leaves me with the hurt of the past. The past that tears love apart that way it is stuck to the soul to mirror pain and pain only. πŸ‘ΏπŸ‘ΏπŸ‘ΏπŸ‘Ώ no one can have me…. Only I can have me!”

β€œI didn’t have sex with Melvin and that ended us completely. I don’t care and I’m proud of myself. I want to go looking for a car but I would need help and I asked my fucked up mother and she told me to go online! I fucking hate her! My fucked up alcoholic drinking ass brother doesn’t want to help me but he wants to tell me I’m using his friends and he doesn’t want me talking to him but he uses the fuck out of the girls. They both are fucking retarded!!! I’m only with they ass to basically help myself out with “saving money all that other shit , no! I’m about to get my own place when I get my car so fuck them! I’m moving up with my life and nobody and they stupid ass can stop me. I don’t want to talk to Michael. He needs to focus on school and he doesn’t need me. What does he need me for if he doesn’t want a relationship? Sex and that’s it. I’m not having sex no time soon because I fucking don’t want to. I want to be by myself and people in general are just fucked up. I swear I know I had to learn life lessons when Donald passed away but he was everything in one when it came to love. We had that bond that I have to wait to build. I don’t want to wait so i don’t want shit. I want to just be literally me and me only for a while. I wanna start school back and I want to love myself and take care of myself without people so I’m going to stay to myself and live my life until its time for me to make a family. I want my own family. I’m sick of these fucked up people in this world. Ima make sure my kids know. Ima still fight I don’t care what happens and I will not limit myself or stop myself for anything. They will grow just as strong as I am”

Ok well aim not sure what that one was about but I wrote these back in 2013. I have always been a writer. I wrote poems short story’s, love fantasies, I have them private on this blog. If u want to read them just let me know. Lol. I hope you enjoy the share!

Throwing Me Out There! : )

Blogging is very scary to me. Why I am not sure. Im a very fearful person. I know I’m supposed to be full of confidence and spark but Im not. Im in fact very self conscious, I beat myself up alot, and I can be very competitive and overthink.I have struggle for the past 2 years trying to figure out what to write about. Unfortunately Im very anxious and I want to be perfect so I can get the attention I deserve. What attention that is, I have no clue. I dont know where my life is headed. I don’t want to talk about anything depressing and I dont want to try to hard.

Photo by Anderson Guerra on

I worry too much about what people think. I worry that I am going to embarass myself and look like a fool. I am also fearful of failure. I have alot of thoughts and alot of things to say but no answers. I go back and forth wondering, well I like make up and I want to show people who I am but then I see everyone else with their blogs and I just freak out like well its too late for me. I dont have enough time. I dont want anyone to know who I am honestly.

Its so many way I could live life but I havent figured out how to live mine yet. I have a son. Im in school trying to get my business degree. I am a person that wants to be in so many places at once. Unfortunately because I overwhelm myself with thoughts and fears and what everyone else thinks, I get stuck in a serious paralyzed state caused by my thoughts.

Photo by

I know there are only images in this post related to make up but I am trying to keep the insspiration going. I dont even wear makeup! I just love looking at it. It makes me feel like someone but I wouldnt dare to put it on. I like all things beauty, skin care, some days I like glitter all things shiny and glamourous. Other days I may only prefer to sleep in the bed all day to avoid feeling any anxiety.

I dont understand why I fill up with anxiety the moment I open my eyes. Its frustrating because either I have to take a prescription to calm myself down or stay sleep. Anxiety really paralyzes me at times and I hate it. I used to just be able to get up and do things but I cant do that without getting a headache from thinking and worrying to much. All of the things that go on in my head drains my energy. I shut out the world and want to go into a crying fit.

Unfortunately my boyfriend or my friends dont allow it. THey text me, “Hey, where are you?” Its kind of funny to me because it helps me snap out of whatever I am dealing with being trapped inside of myself and I appreciate them doing. I dont even know where I am prior to them getting in touch with me. I am going to talk about my bf alot more and along with products I like and suggest and I just want to share share share as much as I can.

I am a thinker and I would like to be a writer, maybe? Just Bringing my thoughts and rambling. ttyl!

Frustration with my Work

**This post contains affiliate links and I will be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking on my links. I keep pondering and pondering and pondering about why I’m not getting any sales. Part of me really just wants to give up. I was so close today but then I sat there and stared at my website in disgust. The thing that disgusted me the most was that I was advertising some clothing that I wouldn’t be able to fit. That was a “you dumb***” moment for me.

I am a BBW. I have curves and according to my significant other, alot of them. So I know I am still new to this whole “advertising products” thing. I looked at this swimsuit collection I had on my website and couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t fit into that!

I have to be all about me. Who am I? Who are my friends? What is my culture? Even though I can answer all of those things with one word, I don’t think before today I fully understood what being myself meant. Im advertising the exact opposite of who I am. I was so caught up in ” I know this is going to get me sales I just have to give the people what they want.”

I carried that with me up until now, knowing that I am not a people pleaser and I refuse to persuade an audience that I  can not relate to.  Subconsciously this was something I was doing. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and ignorant not even thinking twice about what I was doing. I need to stick to what I know and what I thought I knew wasn’t getting me anywhere.

I am proud of myself because this is growth for me and what I stand for. I’m on a mission and in a chapter where I define who I am and when I finally get that definition certified through my soul, I’ll have the greatest powerful moment and my world will light up with strength and dignity.