Me and Michael had an intense argument this morning , I’ll call work just to be safe because I didn’t know what was gonna happen, I lied. So of course I was mad at Michael because of my insecurities and the fact that he made it seem like he didn’t wanna talk about anything. So I just was just mad about a lot so I left because I just didn’t wanna do nothing crazy or say something that I was gonna regret. So he came after me I was so mad and I just felt like he didn’t deserve me. I told him that. He told me everything, he told me how I play a big part in his life with the things I do. Me and Michael have a home together and I don’t know what better I can ask for. Ima have fun, I swear after that I just was like yes. We are good and he gave me a key to the house and said this is your home he told me he was thankful for me . He told me after the argument that I can leave if I want and everything but all he could say was please don’t. Lol he said that he isn’t gonna start singing the tank song lol he made me laugh after our fight. He told me that my way of communicating was good. The letter I wrote him that I thought was me just being desperate and vulnerable and he said it was beautiful. I was like what?!!!! Lol. But I have a better understanding of how things are gonna go and it took a lot of weight off of me so I’m better and I’m thankful for him trying. I will forever remember this and he told me that he wasn’t gonna let me leave. It’s so crazy how he would fight for me. I didn’t know. Lol my mom told me she loved me today aw I felt so special that was the first time she has ever told me that. I’m better and I’m growing wiser everyday and I’m thankful for that.
Ok….weird. Lol I just asked Michael was he home and lol he said he is kind of tipsy like um sooo weird. So I realized I have to pay attention to my feelings more instead of trying to handle situations. I need to ask myself how I am feeling about it in order to understand myself better. So for example Michael told me he was kind of typsy… Lol it was funny cause he said typsy lol. So I kind of feel like that’s wrong and why would he drink with her, I mean I’m not saying why as in why ugh , why as in, they are parents lol he doesn’t even drink with me, I mean its cool though but he can do what he wants, that’s him I really don’t care I told him to just be safe at least if he is with Kaylana I know he is safe lol. He had texted me back and told me half a pill and I’m like what and I forgot our conversation earlier. So about him hanging with Kaylana , I don’t like it, I feel she should look for another relationship or guy to mess with and get some sense, it makes no sense to keep holding on to him, I mean look I live with him, that is my home , and I get to say if it is permanent or not and it is my home, so yea. Lol I’m not saying I want him I really don’t care either way I’m just gonna do me and make sure I’m happy at the end of the day. She is unhappy soooo unhappy, is that my fault? No she is a dumb hitch like the rest of them. So yea but I don’t like it but its nothing I can do about two humans wanting to spend time together, just like Michael can’t stop me from hanging out with another guy, lol I can’t just deal with him, unfortunately I can’t because I am going to continue with my life and me but yea Guys like Michael are trapped with crazy dumb notches like her lol i care too much about my mind to trap any guy. They are worth it, at all. I’m worth a lot and that’s why I live with Michael . I do deserve him so I am going to work harder at what I am doing and paying attention to my feelings. I feel better about it now that I talked. So I’m cool. Listening to music and singing helps me feel better about alot of situations. so im cool. He is awesome and I appreciate my oh so messed up roommate that would fight for me, literally but won’t die for me lol. I just hopes he doesn’t get her pregnant again , that would suck. I wish him the best. These girls are so stupid. Oh and I realized I don’t like hanging out with a group of girls at all. It suck because they all look like rats and I don’t do I just look like an outcast. It makes me feel like I don’t belong. So w.e. fuck them I stand alone . Like I said I just wanna enjoy my autumn. That argument was way overdo though.
Like I said, I fell off track, while I was down, I had to really be so raw, so open, so naked , so exposed that I had no control over it, before I didn’t understand, I didn’t understand anything, how to deal with myself or even if it was ok to be who I was. Yes is ok to be who I am because I can be no one else. I was asked did I have a strong role model , honestly growing up no. Now I have Michael but I’m still alone when it comes to him because there are something’s that he can’t help me wih. There was this cloud of anger or this cloud of sadness or this clod of excessive happiness , or emotions. Where this cloud comes from? It’s a lifelong effect that was born with because of ms watts. She fucked me up but I am not going to blame her or make an excuse. I am going to face it, embrace it and make it make me who I am in a positive way because that what we want is positivity, we are trying to fight off the bad thing the horrible things and the worse things possible, I am living for my older self, I can rush myself I have to be Kaitlynn. I have to bare it all or I won’t be able to accept myself. I want to accept myself good and bad, I am now getting an introduction to what that really means.
I know I really irritated the fuck out of Michael but unfortunately that’s what happens when you only care about yourself, nobody else matters, not his opinion none of it, what about what I have to deal with when it comes to him, what I had to. I am always going to be trying t figure myself out and I refuse to take a break from it. I care about how people treat me and what makes me happy and what makes me sad. I’m allowing myself to feel and be who I was born to be instead of acting or pretending to be someone else or someone who I don’t accept, I accept me when no one else does, I have some great things about me and some horrible things about me and some bad things about me but if I don’t live or wait or hesitate then I don’t have a purpose in trying to know who I am. I am determined to go through every milestone every pain hurt cry and tear to find out who Kaitlynn is and make something out of her because I love her. This figuring me thing out isn’t something that happens over night. I am powerful strong and I will bare my soul before I let anyone in this world hurt me or take me for granted. I don’t care about what everyone else is doing or what everyone wants me to be or want they think they want from themselves. He is stuck! I am not. I know I have to be responsible but I don’t have to be serious all the damn time. I’m fine . I am just trying to discover this girl
Changes……with yourself, with life, with Michael with people, are inevitable , uncontrollable, unpredictable, unbearable, unwilling , and definitely uncompromising . So brace yourself for the change that is to hurt, come and most importantly happen. I’ll hold on to you throughout it all just don’t let me go.
With that being said, I would love for you t caress my soul and heal this pain, it hurts so bad knowing you aren’t here to share this with me, I have her close to my heart, I am taking good care of her. She is much stronger than before. It seems she faces more sense of fear and lack of trust now that ur gone. It’s ok. I tell her every night I love her and that she can tell me everything and anything that’s bothering her, no latter how much it hurts, the older she gets the moe sensitive she is. I wish I could just take her away from all this. She doesn’t deserve any of this. I’m still trying to ask myself why this happen and most importantly how and why does it hurt so bad at that, why does she crave love and attention so much, sometimes I don’t feel like I’m enough when I comes to her. She is so alone In this giant world full of people. i love her so much. I would do anything to protect her and I don’t want no one hurting her. She gets enough pain hat she doesn’t deserve and it sucks. It was good talking to you. Goodnight
Ok now I have been extremely emotionally extremely psychotic and extremely annoying and I have blown things out of proportion. Now it’s time to work hard with my relationship with him and my relationship with me. I don’t like the depression stage or the I want to be by myself stage or the I’m going to get on his fucking nerves because I want to. It’s time to dance and sing our way through both of these relationships. It’s time to calm down and humble our self. Have fun be silly but have self control I’m proud of you for going through the whole weak side of you. Thankfully it was well manage but I didn’t want it to go any other way. It’s time. I saw the evil side of you and so did he but no more its time to be Kaitlynn Blaylock. Not that irritating bitch cause oh my god. That is the title of the month of September. Ugh it was so just horrible. I had to test myself and I had to test him. Now it’s time to stop all the games. It’s not going to be easy but the effort is definitely going to be worth it. I love you no matter what and I am so proud of you
We had a good morning, today and yesterday he has been waking me up, it made me smile though. It gave me an idea of how he feels when I wake him up. It was so cute though, when I finally got up to attack him after he snatched the covers off me, I was happy to see his smile. Idk it was the best feeling ever. Lol I purposely wrapped myself in the covers so he wouldn’t get it but still he managed but it was ok. We talked a little. A lot of smiles and laugh this morning, it felt good and once again when I was in the car I looked at him with that feeling of being grateful to have him. It still feels good.
Past present and future it all surround me.
I hate that I had to do that in order to feel better about him doing whatever he was doing. i should have been writing my paper or reading. That feeling of revenge only felt good while I was doing it. Afterwards it was like a bad fight. smh. I should of stayed here and finished trying to read but the consistent stab of jealously was too distracting and this is why I resulted to being upstairs because I wont win neither will he if I just tell him to stop texting in front of me because it wont make him put up with me anymore than he already wasnt and it damn sure wont him happy because he is going to get what he wants one way or another. This is exactly why I resulted to staying upstairs because when I am down here I only stir up trouble for myself and its sad but no one wants to do what the other wants them to do because “we arent in a relationship. I may have missed him and suffered upstairs but I rather that than this dead feeling that got me no where. sigh. this is better that before but its not any easier. 😔😔😔😔 We always know how this ends up but smh. I cant deal with it anymore. I think im gonna just fully move upstairs and leave him alone for a while. This isnt working for me. Im so sad
I keep asking myself why did I stop dreaming about singing and dancing.
1. Not enough support
2. Had to catch the bus all the time
4. Not enough motivation
I still wanna do it sometimes but my life says no. I’m by myself and I love with Michael and my mind has shaped around being his ride or die. That’s where my mind is but i also want to just do for myself.
Last night and this morning was amazing. It was funny because when he came home I was just acting non interested when I was. I was chilling and he basically invaded my space and I’m like ugh. I don’t want to jump just because you came home. So He wanted to have sex and idk what else but I was just still chilling and didn’t wanna be bothered. Lol so it was funny cause by the time I got out of the shower he was gone my world dropped I’m like, really? Is this my punishment but I was like whatever nobody said being selfish was a prize everytime, it has it’s disadvantage and that was one of them but I wasn’t tripping. I ended up being bored but it was cool it happens but I had a good day so that’s all that mattered. It was also funny that when he finally came home I was just laying there acting like I was sleep. I was happy that he came home but he saw that I was and I seriously didn’t know I was smiling. Lol he said something about me smiling and all I could do was laugh. Then he farted and I laughed even harder. I was mad that he was making me laugh because I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. I was so happy. Lol. Then he layed down and somehow we were having a pillow fight and I was curling under him laughing and oh my gosh I felt so alive next to him. I didn’t want to be anywhere else but it was like 10’o clock and I knew how it felt waking the hell up at 3’o clock in the morning and I really wanted him but I just layed there and was thinking but I couldn’t stop thinking then I’m like oh em gee. So I got up and got some water and then I layed back down but that didn’t help so I kissed him and left the room so I wouldn’t bother him. Like 15 mins later he got up came in the room😍😍😍 slid his pretty body on top of me and started kissing me. Oh my gooood he lot my world on fire. I was so in love and he had no idea how powerful he was and how much I needed him. Oh my gooood. Michael whew. His fine ass. Mmh. Anyways so then we just kissed and I didn’t want to let him go. He felt so good.!every inch of his hips back and side was like magic. Whew. He asked me oh my god and I love when he talk to me when we making love he asked who’s pussy is this and I didn’t hear him at first cause hhis love was so loud I couldn’t hear his beautiful voice. So he said I know u hear me and then i heard what he said he said who’s pussy is this and I said it’s your Michael he said no it’s who I said it’s yours daddy and he was gripping me oooh yea and making sweet love to his pussy. Oh man then on the edge of the bed he made me sparkle and shine and just burst into his love and he came with that sexy moan of his and made my body mind and spirit just die. I sat up and just say there not knowing what to do but I knew he stole my hear after that and I fell in love with him all over again.
Damn lol this a long ass story.
Then we layed down it was one of them times where I couldn’t out my clothes on so I didn’t even though he put his short on. I didn’t care lol. Later on in the night he slid his shorts down. I knew his fine ass was tired but his love was calling me even though he was sleep. Man I wanted him to wake up but I got up and put…. Lol he just text meah yeaa. Oh k anyway I put my clothes on and layed down and went to sleep his pants was still down but I ain’t care I went to sleep so he could sleep. So then he left I gave him a hug before he left cause his love was just pulling me towards him. Then he came home so he could get some papers. It was funny cause I asked him why the heck are u here I was still half sleep. He said he had to get some papers and I just layed there like a zombie. We talked a little bit but then he cut lights off and made love to me again. I was so dead sleep in love oh my god. Oh Michael. Lol. So then I was mad cause how he left me feeling fucking amazing that’s what it was then before he left he out on his cologne and I sews I was home and he was my soulmate and I didn’t know anything else but him.
I have some things that I really am not sure about but thats the point of me doing the blog post so I can, you know, test then with you guys, so I can figure out what is a go or a no go.
I have these Avon Sandals. Now, I wear a size 10. They are called casual comfort everyday sandals, size 10, color blue. They have man made materials. I have to always have something comfortable on my feet because I have back problems. I like them so far because the idea of comfort in any fashion is a definite for me. They are something for me to throw own and if I dont feel like wearing socks I can just slide them on. This is perfect for spring weather or sometimes I might be lazy and slip them on because I dont have any around the house slippers.
I have samples of the Avon Afirm yourself body firming cream. I am interested in trying this out. It says that “96% of women show improvement in hip and Abdomen areas, so I will definitely try that.
I have whitening essentials Flouride toothpaste and tooth brush. It says 10x the stain removal it is charcoal black. I am very skeptical about trying this but I am going to try this but I didnt even know I ordered this, Maybe it was apart of the campaign product series.
I also have samples of the belif true cream. It is for your face. The samples are one time use.
I have the belif true cream aqua bomb. It is a light gel cream for the face. I am interested in trying that out
I have a hair mask I am interested in trying this but I have no idea how I am going to do this having my hair loc’d. It is supposed to be rejuvenating. What I might do is just put it over my edges because those are in need of some attention. It has ingredients but it doesnt tell me how to use it. So I dont know how to use a hair mask actually but I am going to try it and see how it goes.
I have Hair oil serum. I dont know what to do with this but I am going to try it. It is supposed to repair damaged hair with its natural ingredients honey ,royal jelly and I am supposed to apply one or two pumps on evenly damp or dry hair. Not supposed to rinse it. With my hair texture. I have mixed hair texture.
Also I have the silvertone 3 piece sparkle set. Earrings, Necklace and Bracelet
I have hydrafusion gel cream 72 hours of hydration. It has hyauloric acid in it.
I have the anew depuffing eye serum.
I Avon persistent lip matte
Anew Vitamin C serum, Vitamin C Warming peel, Exfoliant autochaffant antioxidant lip treatment.
Anew power, Nobel prize winning research.
Even though I am not that much older my skin really shows signs of aging. So I think it is ok with me being 27 to begin trying it. I dont mind
This is what I was really interested in trying. I dont wear makeup but just because I am blogging about makeup. This is pretty much the only time I m going to wear it becauseI just want to try it out. Its VDL Lumilayer Duo Sample Kit. Lumilayer Primer and LUmilayer primer fresh.
I also have thie Advanced recovery cream. It is for face. place a sufficient amount on face, pat to promote absorption. Dr. Belmeur. We will try that.
I have himalayan pink salt toothe paste. That is interesting! I am very interest in trying out that.
Now when I was younger my mom used to buy skin so soft deodorant from Avon. I love the smell of this. Its soft essential and ooooh I love this smell its like a powdery type clean smell
“Live for love!!
When I miss I close my eyes and breathe
I sing a song for you
I release my stress as I run down this path of life
I hold myself tight to know this is where it starts
The pain , the laughter , and the love
The closer I feel to you the stronger I grow, the more confidence, I build and the more adventure I seek to make life better for me, for my future
Is to fight to the very end knowing we can’t give up on each other through it all. My secret life of love that develops me for you shhh…aaah bring me more. It’s my drug to keep surviving, to keep going on and to keep loving and to keep going. 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍”
“I am taking my revenge out on love. It has broken me and made me loathe the day it ever existed. I don’t have it. I can’t have it. I have to wait for it. It is not who I am, it does not mirror my soul. Instead it hurts me and makes me watch its corpse lay there and sink down into the ground and leave me with the hurt of the past👿👿👿. Leaves me with the hurt of the past. The past that tears love apart that way it is stuck to the soul to mirror pain and pain only. 👿👿👿👿 no one can have me…. Only I can have me!”
“I didn’t have sex with Melvin and that ended us completely. I don’t care and I’m proud of myself. I want to go looking for a car but I would need help and I asked my fucked up mother and she told me to go online! I fucking hate her! My fucked up alcoholic drinking ass brother doesn’t want to help me but he wants to tell me I’m using his friends and he doesn’t want me talking to him but he uses the fuck out of the girls. They both are fucking retarded!!! I’m only with they ass to basically help myself out with “saving money all that other shit , no! I’m about to get my own place when I get my car so fuck them! I’m moving up with my life and nobody and they stupid ass can stop me. I don’t want to talk to Michael. He needs to focus on school and he doesn’t need me. What does he need me for if he doesn’t want a relationship? Sex and that’s it. I’m not having sex no time soon because I fucking don’t want to. I want to be by myself and people in general are just fucked up. I swear I know I had to learn life lessons when Donald passed away but he was everything in one when it came to love. We had that bond that I have to wait to build. I don’t want to wait so i don’t want shit. I want to just be literally me and me only for a while. I wanna start school back and I want to love myself and take care of myself without people so I’m going to stay to myself and live my life until its time for me to make a family. I want my own family. I’m sick of these fucked up people in this world. Ima make sure my kids know. Ima still fight I don’t care what happens and I will not limit myself or stop myself for anything. They will grow just as strong as I am”
Ok well aim not sure what that one was about but I wrote these back in 2013. I have always been a writer. I wrote poems short story’s, love fantasies, I have them private on this blog. If u want to read them just let me know. Lol. I hope you enjoy the share!