Change is inevitable, so if something is boring one day that doesn’t mean that it’s going to be boring the next so go ahead and keep it boring but change is coming and u will be happy it did so go with the flow and enjoy the ride😊the magic time is 90 days. It takes that long for our mind to become comfortable in a new environment so far I’m good because I’m realizing to spend time with myself and do my best to deal with the leftovers use my mind and when I’m alone I am to innovate my world from eating to planning my next shopping trip to cleaning. i am to do whatever i need to do for my world to be better.so when I step back into the world I am ready to share myself and my ideas to make whatever world I enter a better place. I learned to allowed myself to think, write a book think away!!!!😊
The way I felt ,the way I performed should of left a mark on his soul. I made love to him. i was on top of him making love to him, expressing my love my strong intense love to him nice and slow. i made him cum after he whispered “come here” I didnt know how to feel i just performed and kept quiet staring at him speechless and caught in the moment. all i did was kiss him and hug him all i knew all i wanted was for him to know and to feel my love. i swear i dont know any other way to do it. i love him and thats alll i know. I cant keep expecting someone to love me im sick of it. i love him and im going to love him as hard as i can. i cant keep holding it in. No words just action, I can’t keep saying what I am going to do what I feel what I want. No one listens so I have to speak another language, a body language when I choose to make love to him. I chose to make love to him, to make him weak, as weak as I felt that night I got angry at him. If I saw me, if I met me, I would make love to her I would cherish the ground she walks on. I wouldn’t dare hurt her. When I kiss her I would make sure she knows I love her I would make sure it skips passed her mind and reaches her soul that way it bounces back to her mind and fulfills her whole body. No one has chose to love me the way I want to be loved. I understand his completely and I will perform accordingly. My soul can take no more its ready to tell the world it has had enough. It s powerful than ever, and stronger. I’m speechless with my own performance. I love you Kait . Thank you.
Don’t be envious, don’t be hurt and don’t be angry, be inspired to be better than you were the time and the life before. You have a gift don’t let anyone take that away from you.
I told him I love him and I’m NOT GOING TO KEEP TELLING HIM
Lol I like playing happy Kaity just to think about it. I’m happy and my mind is growing. One little thought can make a bug difference. It doesn’t matter who is on the other side of the phone or on the other side of the door. Lol I think Michael thinks I’m tired of him but idk. I got asked out on a date by Dior. Lol I haven’t heard from him in a while but it’s like regardless my happiness matters and I’m learning what makes me happy and what I should avoid, which is drama. I just wanna grow older smarter everyday of my life. I don’t want my mind to ever stop growing and I want to advance my mind body and spirit to it fullest extent . I wanna be able to analyze everything and be able to have an epiphany like I did on Saturday that the only way I was able to come to this point . I feel like I have accomplished my future . I feel like I am living my dreams and I don’t want to wake up. I’m happy loving Michael and seeing Harmonie I’m in love with it. It makes me sooo happy and its irony, Kaylanna is supposed to be in this position and I am in it and it like wooow, what the hell am I complaining about. I have him to thank for this. Its like i dont care about how he feels or is planning or is thinking when it comes to me i just know i love him and i know thats all i want to do along with my other life. and this is my favorite season so i am going to take advantage of the time i have here. the fall inspires me. I’m not a girlfriend and I’m not a wife but I want to be it whether I earn a title or not. Usually when you have the qualities of a jobs, you usually are hired but at this point I rather work without pay because I love what I do i dont need a ring lol but at a certain point its appreciated. I’m not asking for nothing in return because every action I perform fulfill me and I’m so happy. Enjoy it while it last right? Make the best of today right? That’s what I thought😏
When I talked to Michael about what I was doing over the past few days, something happened afterwards, it’s like I had cleared out some of my thoughts so I could think and get a clear understanding of what I was trying to come to an understanding about and it worked. I came to a conclusion very easily by doing that. That’s why I talk to myself or why people do that sometimes it’s really necessary. Just like sometimes I have to write things down in order for them to stick , like the really important stuff or it left floating in my brain waiting to be remembered and used
I let Michael fertilize me we talked about it and we agreed that if he asked me to get the pill would I get it. Yea regardless of what I want because I know my situation and I see my reality without a doubt . I purposely had people talk me out of it and thankfully I can afford to make mistakes but I can’t afford the consequences. It felt good though but I got the pill and I’m ok. We are ok. I swear I do to much. I’m not surprised if someone tells me that but I realized that’s how I love and enjoy my time with whoever I’m with. I can’t do it any other way. I know to show affection, love hard and give my all, sadly I am indeed going to end u getting hurt but the learning experience was so worth it. I wouldn’t give it up for the world I just know I have to keep myself happy through the process. So far I’m doing good and I’m proud if myself so much. I just know I really do too much for something that’s not even mine but its ok. Sometimes working hard when u know ur not getting anything in return but a good feeling is the best gift ever.
I’m falling in love with him. He is coming in between me and my relationship with myself. It has to be a balance. For some reason I crave him every time I’m near him. I hate it but it feels so good. I just want this feeling to slow down because I can’t keep up. I love when I spend time alone it brings me back to my mind to who I know I am when I’m around him. I can’t let him take over me. There has to be a balance. I almost kept his child and that would of been the most dumbest decision of my life. Pain is forming in my hands and it frustrates the hell out of me soooo bad. I have to do everything right
Just before he showed up I looked over at the sky. It was so beautiful it was blue and the sun was setting this was at 7:55pm. At pf changs fairlaneIt was 88 degrees outside I had on a dress that I felt so beautiful in. I just got my eyebrows done also, I didn’t really like them because they were too thin but they still looked decent. I saw Michael pull up in front of the entrance, idk why but that was a beautiful site to see. His lol sunburst orange pearl car against the sunset. He had on his scrubs and he just came back from school. He looked so…. Wow. So he looked at me and I was kind of scared because I didn’t know what he wanted me to do so I assumed he want me to put my bags in the car but he was staring at me then I remembered how I was looking. So I went to the car at put my things in. Lol he was about to drive off but I caught the door. Lol then he told me that he was just letting me out my bags in the car. So he parked the car. Lol then he was saying where’s my outfit and I was in shock like idk lol. I was happy to see the mood he was in. He was happy and that’s all I wanted for him the whole night because I know he works so hard. So we went in I told him I made reservations this time because I didn’t know how busy it was gonna be. Lol he seemed impressed. So we sat down lol we were talking and he was telling me about the emails from the three musketeers and how they weren’t really understanding about his school schedule especially Bonnie ugh. So we talked and he talked about his day and the drive to school and how he went a whole mile with his eyes closed on Ford road. I was in such shock and I was like wow. So then he was telling me. Lol we talked about a lot he was joking about how it was an Asian restaurant and there weren’t any Asians. Lol I just laughed. I was so glad to see that after that long night we had that he wasn’t really showing any sign of… He was just happy and I didn’t want to irritate him so I just present myself well because I had time to recover my mind by myself earlier with the shopping and the relaxing and the encounters I had with people. I also walked in the heat from the school to the mall and it was hot and I was sweating but it felt so good listening to music. I saw a little bit of we’re the millers the movie was only 5 dollars . Lol I told Michael I saw a movie and he said u went to the movies?? I was like yea. It seemed like he was shocked. I had to leave early because it was getting close to him gettin off and I was trying to get in touch with him I called him about 6:15 pm and he was in class and i was so frustrated because I couldn’t hear him and then I realized I didn’t finish my movie because I began to worry about hi. Getting mad at me for not telling him where I was or the fact that he might have called me while I was in the theatre and I could not get any surface for the life of me. So I got in touch with him . He told me it was ok for the dinner thing and he just wanted to get some sleep. So I was sure of myself that I wouldn’t interfere. I was able to think on my feet when I was handling all of that business and it felt like it was exercise for my brain and I want more moments like that so I am going to make sure I do that. It makes me so much more comfortable with my thinking process. So I realized that after the night ended that I was putting him before myself and with a passion I could not let that happen so I am taking steps to put myself first because after realizing I didn’t want a child because of my reality, I decided to take advantage of me caring for myself more than anybody because I can do that and it feels so great to not worry about someone so much and to love them and yourself. I lost myself with Donald and I see it when it comes to Michael and I don’t want my feelings for him to consume me because it doesn’t feel good to know at the end of the day after you loved him and did everything you thought would satisfy him to make him happy so he can love you am nobody else, that you haven’t done anything to make yourself happy and then it’s a struggle and then ur unhappy and confused and going crazy because you forgot about the most important person in the relationship, and that’s you. So I’m proud that I’m able to realize these things before its too late. And I’m proud of myself because when he told me about him going to Applebee’s with Kaylanna my curiosity level was very low. I didn’t care. I realized that I don’t want to know what is gonna happen tomorrow and I cherish the past put I want right now and that’s all I have a passion for. That what I think about every time I doubt me and Michael . I kiss him or hug him or touch him because he is there with me at that moment and it feels so good it overpowers all the negativity and doubts and worries and speculations and curiosities and it make me realize what I have at that moment I’m not giving up at that moment because if I had to give him up in the next hour or minute I know I cherished him the minute before i lost him. I love me and Michael . And I love me and I love Michael. It’s the most appreciated relationships. Something I realized I am thankful for. I am so thankful for Kaitlynn and she has no idea how thankful I am for her. I love you Kaitlynn
Me and Michael had an intense argument this morning , I’ll call work just to be safe because I didn’t know what was gonna happen, I lied. So of course I was mad at Michael because of my insecurities and the fact that he made it seem like he didn’t wanna talk about anything. So I just was just mad about a lot so I left because I just didn’t wanna do nothing crazy or say something that I was gonna regret. So he came after me I was so mad and I just felt like he didn’t deserve me. I told him that. He told me everything, he told me how I play a big part in his life with the things I do. Me and Michael have a home together and I don’t know what better I can ask for. Ima have fun, I swear after that I just was like yes. We are good and he gave me a key to the house and said this is your home he told me he was thankful for me . He told me after the argument that I can leave if I want and everything but all he could say was please don’t. Lol he said that he isn’t gonna start singing the tank song lol he made me laugh after our fight. He told me that my way of communicating was good. The letter I wrote him that I thought was me just being desperate and vulnerable and he said it was beautiful. I was like what?!!!! Lol. But I have a better understanding of how things are gonna go and it took a lot of weight off of me so I’m better and I’m thankful for him trying. I will forever remember this and he told me that he wasn’t gonna let me leave. It’s so crazy how he would fight for me. I didn’t know. Lol my mom told me she loved me today aw I felt so special that was the first time she has ever told me that. I’m better and I’m growing wiser everyday and I’m thankful for that.
Ok….weird. Lol I just asked Michael was he home and lol he said he is kind of tipsy like um sooo weird. So I realized I have to pay attention to my feelings more instead of trying to handle situations. I need to ask myself how I am feeling about it in order to understand myself better. So for example Michael told me he was kind of typsy… Lol it was funny cause he said typsy lol. So I kind of feel like that’s wrong and why would he drink with her, I mean I’m not saying why as in why ugh , why as in, they are parents lol he doesn’t even drink with me, I mean its cool though but he can do what he wants, that’s him I really don’t care I told him to just be safe at least if he is with Kaylana I know he is safe lol. He had texted me back and told me half a pill and I’m like what and I forgot our conversation earlier. So about him hanging with Kaylana , I don’t like it, I feel she should look for another relationship or guy to mess with and get some sense, it makes no sense to keep holding on to him, I mean look I live with him, that is my home , and I get to say if it is permanent or not and it is my home, so yea. Lol I’m not saying I want him I really don’t care either way I’m just gonna do me and make sure I’m happy at the end of the day. She is unhappy soooo unhappy, is that my fault? No she is a dumb hitch like the rest of them. So yea but I don’t like it but its nothing I can do about two humans wanting to spend time together, just like Michael can’t stop me from hanging out with another guy, lol I can’t just deal with him, unfortunately I can’t because I am going to continue with my life and me but yea Guys like Michael are trapped with crazy dumb notches like her lol i care too much about my mind to trap any guy. They are worth it, at all. I’m worth a lot and that’s why I live with Michael . I do deserve him so I am going to work harder at what I am doing and paying attention to my feelings. I feel better about it now that I talked. So I’m cool. Listening to music and singing helps me feel better about alot of situations. so im cool. He is awesome and I appreciate my oh so messed up roommate that would fight for me, literally but won’t die for me lol. I just hopes he doesn’t get her pregnant again , that would suck. I wish him the best. These girls are so stupid. Oh and I realized I don’t like hanging out with a group of girls at all. It suck because they all look like rats and I don’t do I just look like an outcast. It makes me feel like I don’t belong. So w.e. fuck them I stand alone . Like I said I just wanna enjoy my autumn. That argument was way overdo though.
Like I said, I fell off track, while I was down, I had to really be so raw, so open, so naked , so exposed that I had no control over it, before I didn’t understand, I didn’t understand anything, how to deal with myself or even if it was ok to be who I was. Yes is ok to be who I am because I can be no one else. I was asked did I have a strong role model , honestly growing up no. Now I have Michael but I’m still alone when it comes to him because there are something’s that he can’t help me wih. There was this cloud of anger or this cloud of sadness or this clod of excessive happiness , or emotions. Where this cloud comes from? It’s a lifelong effect that was born with because of ms watts. She fucked me up but I am not going to blame her or make an excuse. I am going to face it, embrace it and make it make me who I am in a positive way because that what we want is positivity, we are trying to fight off the bad thing the horrible things and the worse things possible, I am living for my older self, I can rush myself I have to be Kaitlynn. I have to bare it all or I won’t be able to accept myself. I want to accept myself good and bad, I am now getting an introduction to what that really means.
I know I really irritated the fuck out of Michael but unfortunately that’s what happens when you only care about yourself, nobody else matters, not his opinion none of it, what about what I have to deal with when it comes to him, what I had to. I am always going to be trying t figure myself out and I refuse to take a break from it. I care about how people treat me and what makes me happy and what makes me sad. I’m allowing myself to feel and be who I was born to be instead of acting or pretending to be someone else or someone who I don’t accept, I accept me when no one else does, I have some great things about me and some horrible things about me and some bad things about me but if I don’t live or wait or hesitate then I don’t have a purpose in trying to know who I am. I am determined to go through every milestone every pain hurt cry and tear to find out who Kaitlynn is and make something out of her because I love her. This figuring me thing out isn’t something that happens over night. I am powerful strong and I will bare my soul before I let anyone in this world hurt me or take me for granted. I don’t care about what everyone else is doing or what everyone wants me to be or want they think they want from themselves. He is stuck! I am not. I know I have to be responsible but I don’t have to be serious all the damn time. I’m fine . I am just trying to discover this girl
Changes……with yourself, with life, with Michael with people, are inevitable , uncontrollable, unpredictable, unbearable, unwilling , and definitely uncompromising . So brace yourself for the change that is to hurt, come and most importantly happen. I’ll hold on to you throughout it all just don’t let me go.
With that being said, I would love for you t caress my soul and heal this pain, it hurts so bad knowing you aren’t here to share this with me, I have her close to my heart, I am taking good care of her. She is much stronger than before. It seems she faces more sense of fear and lack of trust now that ur gone. It’s ok. I tell her every night I love her and that she can tell me everything and anything that’s bothering her, no latter how much it hurts, the older she gets the moe sensitive she is. I wish I could just take her away from all this. She doesn’t deserve any of this. I’m still trying to ask myself why this happen and most importantly how and why does it hurt so bad at that, why does she crave love and attention so much, sometimes I don’t feel like I’m enough when I comes to her. She is so alone In this giant world full of people. i love her so much. I would do anything to protect her and I don’t want no one hurting her. She gets enough pain hat she doesn’t deserve and it sucks. It was good talking to you. Goodnight
Ok now I have been extremely emotionally extremely psychotic and extremely annoying and I have blown things out of proportion. Now it’s time to work hard with my relationship with him and my relationship with me. I don’t like the depression stage or the I want to be by myself stage or the I’m going to get on his fucking nerves because I want to. It’s time to dance and sing our way through both of these relationships. It’s time to calm down and humble our self. Have fun be silly but have self control I’m proud of you for going through the whole weak side of you. Thankfully it was well manage but I didn’t want it to go any other way. It’s time. I saw the evil side of you and so did he but no more its time to be Kaitlynn Blaylock. Not that irritating bitch cause oh my god. That is the title of the month of September. Ugh it was so just horrible. I had to test myself and I had to test him. Now it’s time to stop all the games. It’s not going to be easy but the effort is definitely going to be worth it. I love you no matter what and I am so proud of you