Ankai’s Tryouts

SO I have been looking for this inspiration for a while. I had one of my “premonition’s” or where I remember this weird thought that I had in my dream that popped up randomly while I was awake like it came out of the deep dark depths of my mind. Yeah, it goes K-Boom but usually when I have those moments it means I am where I am supposed to be in my life. Now believe it or not, this is not where I want to be in my life.

I’m moving out of my friends house because apparently my son is a criminal for being a 4 year old and throwing toy keys at the baby. Was I ok with this? fuck no! I got into his ass but I discussed this with the father and of course initially he said oh my god keep your son away from my son, Im like……uh oh….downhill, its not going to get better from here radar, but then he said never mind Ill handle it.

So I let him “rough up my son” a little bit, I mean after I grilled his ass and drill sergeant him it should have been enough but no my son apparently needed more discipline because he “intentionally disrespected” the father and he “knows better”. This is the part that knocks me on my ass and keeps me there. I know what its like for someone to look at me every single day in disgust because of something they did fucking years ago. There is resentment and anger and frustration and overall the person needs anger management but no judgement thrown here. So I got confronted a week later about the situation. I felt like we cleared the air but I guess not. I’m like OK my son got his punishment, what else do you want me to do? Throw him in jail? He is 4 years old! Anyway so after I was confronted about my son needing to change his behavior and I don’t want to put you guys out. blah blah. I’m like wait what stuck out to me was “I don’t want to put you guys out”. I overreacted like I usually do and this time I did it right because all of those emotions and entanglements in my head got out and I already made the decision to leave. The anger the frustration the denial……I pretty much am still going through the grievance process. So after being confronted about it on Saturday damn morning I got confronted by my best friend Sunday fucking afternoon………I’m like yea. I already got upset about it and I’m leaving this week because I don’t want to be in anyone’s house and have them hate my son. I have been through this many times before. Why? because my life is a series of unfortunate events that I do question and ask myself, why didn’t I do better? but I cant do anything about it now.

So here I am Tuesday morning Sept 1st with my premeditated mind. Full of no fucks to give and ready to move on to the next step and leave this shit behind me. Its unfortunate that I have to leave to make my friends husband happy but hey who doesn’t have to do that every so often…. Ha! I guess its only me.

I tried this one trick because the internet has all the answer to my life’s problems and I truly believe it does. I was worried because I got a call about my sons school, I wasn’t surprised because when it rains it pours so I m like well I don’t live in that district but his father does and I appointed guardianship to like 2 different people in the past year, so I can see why the lady was snotty with me on the phone but whatever.

Now, my sons father gets off parole in December and he isn’t supposed to violate his probation at all, I read up on this yesterday. don’t ask me how. lol but yea we have to at least try to be cordial because I need my son to stay in school. I don’t want him to change schools. It doesn’t help that I live all over the fucking place. So that is my worry today no it is my mission today. no worries.

Anyway I did this mind dump thing like 10 minutes before I went to sleep and usually I can remember my dreams every time after I sleep but this time nope, I cant remember a speck but I did earn something. I earned the gift of my mind, man it is a wonderful thing. I woke up in a better mood, I didn’t have any coffee, I’m focused and ready to take on the damn day. Like fuck all this shit. I got this. I say that with every ounce of my being. I m ready to get this stuff done so my son can still go to school. I’m ready to improve my knowledge for these jobs so I can make that money. I’m ready to say fuck all the bs cause it aint relevant to me cause it aint. The mind dump thing really helps. I think maybe journal 10 mins prior to sleep is very important and healthy for a productive mind in the morning because I mean I used to wake up with anxiety and sometimes I still do but this wake up feels like focused anxiety like I feel like I can control everything with my mind. I never wrote this much in a long time. This is epic.

I’m proud of myself even though. I’m going to keep going and I can only get better from here. This is literally just a bump in the road which is fucking normal. Boom!

Enchantment

I sat there unable to breath I was so overwhelmed with emotion. My hear ached, so many questions went through my head, Why am I so overwhelmed? why cant I just relax? why do I feel like shit? All the noise in my head was so loud I couldn’t even feel myself crying. After we had sex, I dont understand why I became so overwhelmed with emotion. It all happened so fast. Maybe I went too fast or maybe he went too fast. What is happening? I didnt understand why I even began dating to begin with. I dont even know what I want from these guys. Id rather deal with myself and not have them or anyone deal with me at all, its annoying and overwhelming and sometimes people are too uptight and scared, I mean Im scared but why?

My energy and my thoughts were so loud, I felt him watching me as I sat there dealing with the chaos in my head.

“you okay?” he asked. I froze. I truly believe he paralyzed me with his voice.

I didnt even get a chance to respond he just said ” come here”. I didnt know what to do with those words, I didnt know how to respond to that or react. My mind was imprisoning me but he wasnt going to let time go by without getting to the root of the problem. I didnt move fast enough for him so he moved closer to me. I watched his beautiful eyes lock with mine. touch my face and I fell weak into his power. He touched his bottom lip to mine not kissing me but waiting for me to respond before he took over and kissed me.

Of course I kissed him back, I couldn’t help it, he had me. He took everything away from me just like that but all I could do was think. He kissed me so hard, It was full of passion as if he knew exactly what he needed to do to take all chaos away. he kissed my neck, he kissed my chest, he took me without hesitation, not wanting to let go.

He stopped with his lips still close to my skin and said “Don’t think so much”. I almost responded in the most awkward way until he kissed me where I felt his words, I moaned, he felt so good and I couldn’t and didn’t want to say anymore. His hand was in between my thighs while he had my breast in the other and his lips and body just took over me. He wasn’t letting me go and I didn’t want him to.

Friday frights

I have a lot of thoughts in my head I have a lot of thoughts I can’t get out there’s so many things I wanna do there’s so many things that I can’t do there’s so many people that I want to tell you how I feel but I’m just afraid of exposure I don’t want anyone else to know how I am so rather just disappear and a burden anyone with how I feel what are the things I deal with on a daily basis because I don’t want to interfere with anyone’s happiness because eventually that all may be impacting him in a negative way I do my schoolwork

I feel like I’m stuck in the way but at the same time I am still going at a decent pace I’m still a mother and as much as I would like to sometimes her and away from that I’ll stick it out because I mean there’s no such thing as running away when it comes to being a mother and you’re so trying to commit suicide is not possible you can’t do that I do look at my phone every night and just I just feel bad that even though maybe he wasn’t being well behaved like I want him to be I’m just glad I was able to give him a place to stay so they need to make him happy because hI feel like I’m stuck in the way but at the same time I am still going at a decent pace I’m still a mother and as much as I would like to sometimes run away from there I’ll stick it out because I mean there’s no such thing as running away when I comes to being a mother and your side trying to commit suicide is not possible you can’t do that I do look at my son every night inches I just so glad that even though maybe he wasn’t well behaved like I want him to be I’m just glad I was able to give him a place to stay and eat and make him happy because she is it e is a happy kid

I’m struggling with school school is probably maybe another kid if you ask me it’s unpredictable it’s overwhelming it’s demanding it’s needing in if I don’t attend to it in stride down and I’m just left with the burden of emotionally feel like I failed or just wasting time in is that’s not OK but the school is just what I want in certain people were there was a person who just made me feel like crap for doing the best I can in those type of people I just need to realize that I don’t need to talk to them I don’t need them in my life they aren’t doing me any good andthai’m struggling with school school is probably maybe another kid if you ask me it’s unpredictable it’s overwhelming it’s demanding it’s needing in if I don’t attend to it in stride down and I’m just left with the burden of emotionally feel like I failed or just wasting time in is this not OK but the school is just what I want in certain people or there was a person who just made me feel like crap for doing the best I can in those type of people I just need to realize that I don’t need to talk to them I don’t need them in my life they aren’t doing me any good s kind of had Me and a frustrating situation mentally any motional he and I just kind a let that person bring me down and I everything I believe in just went out the window I’ll because of that one person say but that person is it me the person doesn’t know when I’m going through in one thing I will not tolerate is someone who just does not understand what I’m dealing with and they think it’s just King hallway just with a blink of an eye because he can’t like I can’t have someone in my life who doesn’t understand who isn’t willing to understand that’s the problem I have with you he does not understand the problem my head with Jason he doesn’t understand per my hair with With Chris he doesn’t understand they just have this you’re supposed to be like this boom you only have this amount of time to do it get it done or else in this like why are you not understanding anything it doesn’t make any sense and I swear I have a problem when it comes to dating because it’s like OK if I have someone who just doesn’t understand who isn’t willing to understand and she’s looking at me like I do you’re supposed to have your shit together I can’t be with you and that’s why I last year I was just like I’m gonna be with nobody the one getting me through what I’m going through and I rather go through it alone and have someone telling me oh you’re supposed to have it this Way by now like I can’t live up toAnybody’s expectations but my own in my I can’t even live up to my own expectations so when it comes to me trying to be the best I can for other people and no one that I struggle being the best I can for myself it’s just like well I’m sorry but bye go away I don’t I don’t wanna deal with you and I want to talk to you and he’s just not good for me just a waste of a night and that’s kind of how I feel right now I feel like I should just go away state of myself and trying to do this stuff because it’s only him to come out alive instead of having people involved in trying to involve people and this is not Necessar anybody’s expectations put my own in my I can’t even live up to my own expectations so when it comes to me trying to be the best I can for other people in knowing that I struggle being the best I can for myself is just like well I’m sorry but by go away I don’t I don’t wanna deal with you and I wanna talk to you and he’s just not good for me just a waste of a night and that’s kind of how I feel right now I feel like I should just go away state of myself and trying to do this stuff because it’s only him to come out alive instead of having people involved and trying to involve people and this is not necessary.

I had a dream about a snake last night and I was at someone else I was at someone else’s house sneaking hurt me which is just later than like I just got out of its cage and it was it it didn’t hurt nobody and hurt me to see how you doing so course I looked it up on the Internet and said oh either you’re healing somewhere or do you have someone toxic in your life in you have too many people close to me.

I have a crush…..

I have a crush on this guy. I am a hopeless romantic. Its the only way I can live! He has locs just like me. I want to treat this like a crush, in a way it liberates me. The only problem is, I dont think I would really want to be with this person…..I am dating now. I put myself on the market because I want initimacy and closeness. I also havent had any since March when the world was opened but that wasnt a good thing I had going on anyway.

After the first time I saw him, I was mesmerized. When songs start playing in your head and you just smile at nothing for no reason. I love when a guy can make me dream, give me something to think about, want and desire. He has the softest lips. I fantasize about him. The most thought I have about him is sitting next to him just unable to catch my breath without having my lips pressed to his. I’d slide my hand in his hand and put his phone out of sight. The energy between me and him is all we need.

I get inspired off of the way I feel. Unfortunately my thoughts got stuck because the idea of the energy between me and him is overwhelmeing to where Im stuck in a trance. Under a spell, where I cant speak, write, think all I can do is feel.

I dont have his phone number yet and I dont even know if he would even consider talking to me. He may have a girlfriend or just a dater, not really serious about anything. Maybe he is one of those guys. Knowing me and the way my mind has this fairytale dreamland idea of the world sometime, in that instant before reality wakes up everything is possible.

I just want to go for it but My reality wakes up…….my anxiety is my reality. It is my worst enemy and I have no control over it and it sucks….but the best part of reality is you can escape it by dreaming.

Its this song by Bruno Mars called “Our first time” and it plays in my head when I think about kissing him for the first time. Jeez, what if he is not what I imagined. What if he is the possible worst of what I imagine. I guess thats where the universe comes in a clarifies everything because if its meant to be it will be.

That notion save me everytime. Still I wonder how he slept. I still want to get to know him so I can rule out the fact if I would even like him or not. Once I spend actual time with him I think that would be what will help me. Ill update later on as life goes.

This is what I have a blog for, because I dont mind sharing my thoughts because there are so damn many of them!

Random Rambles

Understanding past relationships and the aftermath of it

We as individual are one world alone. We live in a huge world but when we get alone all we have is our mind body and spirit. Practices such as yoga and meditation helps all of it connect. When it connects its like it preparing the mind to figure out and answer questions that we don’t understand later on in life. It helps up learn and pick up on things faster than the average mind.

When we get around other world, people, we are forced into knowing what to do when we actually don’t have a clue. That first look at that persons face is the only thing that we know at that moment because we are so used to looking at different faces and it like ok, this person looks easy to deal with. Once that person open their mouth that is something else we think we know about but we don’t. Different sounds, different word come out of that persons mouth each day. Maybe different words or languages don’t come out their mouth , it may be the same everyday. Then you yourself began to underestimate that person because you don’t think they know anything but it goes deeper and deeper inside the mind. That person may not be smart in one area such as speaking but that person may know something that you have never encountered with the year of you being on this earth. It goes the same with each individual, you could live with that person, get used to that person and finally think you have that person all figured out but you don’t . You just have gotten used to all off the things that person has repititiously let out over time.

THE LEFTOVERS

Why is it when we encounter that person that we are attracted to, over time it begins to feel as if they are strangers to you? It is because when we get further and further into their world trying to grasp hold of everything , you see hear and feel. Then you just get overwhelmed and you began to stop understanding that person because you want all the problem in their world to go away because you are not familiar or its not something that coincides with your world. Then you are confused and your mind get stuck and its hard to listen to everything that your mind is telling you, then u eventually find or look for something to shut it off or just try and make it go away. That’s what I am dealing with.

Random Rambles

Change is inevitable, so if something is boring one day that doesn’t mean that it’s going to be boring the next so go ahead and keep it boring but change is coming and u will be happy it did so go with the flow and enjoy the ride😊the magic time is 90 days. It takes that long for our mind to become comfortable in a new environment so far I’m good because I’m realizing to spend time with myself and do my best to deal with the leftovers use my mind and when I’m alone I am to innovate my world from eating to planning my next shopping trip to cleaning. i am to do whatever i need to do for my world to be better.so when I step back into the world I am ready to share myself and my ideas to make whatever world I enter a better place. I learned to allowed myself to think, write a book think away!!!!😊

Random Rambles

The way I felt ,the way I performed should of left a mark on his soul. I made love to him. i was on top of him making love to him, expressing my love my strong intense love to him nice and slow. i made him cum after he whispered “come here” I didnt know how to feel i just performed and kept quiet staring at him speechless and caught in the moment. all i did was kiss him and hug him all i knew all i wanted was for him to know and to feel my love. i swear i dont know any other way to do it. i love him and thats alll i know. I cant keep expecting someone to love me im sick of it. i love him and im going to love him as hard as i can. i cant keep holding it in. No words just action, I can’t keep saying what I am going to do what I feel what I want. No one listens so I have to speak another language, a body language when I choose to make love to him. I chose to make love to him, to make him weak, as weak as I felt that night I got angry at him. If I saw me, if I met me, I would make love to her I would cherish the ground she walks on. I wouldn’t dare hurt her. When I kiss her I would make sure she knows I love her I would make sure it skips passed her mind and reaches her soul that way it bounces back to her mind and fulfills her whole body. No one has chose to love me the way I want to be loved. I understand his completely and I will perform accordingly. My soul can take no more its ready to tell the world it has had enough. It s powerful than ever, and stronger. I’m speechless with my own performance. I love you Kait . Thank you.

Don’t be envious, don’t be hurt and don’t be angry, be inspired to be better than you were the time and the life before. You have a gift don’t let anyone take that away from you.

I told him I love him and I’m NOT GOING TO KEEP TELLING HIM

Random Rambles

Lol I like playing happy Kaity just to think about it. I’m happy and my mind is growing. One little thought can make a bug difference. It doesn’t matter who is on the other side of the phone or on the other side of the door. Lol I think Michael thinks I’m tired of him but idk. I got asked out on a date by Dior. Lol I haven’t heard from him in a while but it’s like regardless my happiness matters and I’m learning what makes me happy and what I should avoid, which is drama. I just wanna grow older smarter everyday of my life. I don’t want my mind to ever stop growing and I want to advance my mind body and spirit to it fullest extent . I wanna be able to analyze everything and be able to have an epiphany like I did on Saturday that the only way I was able to come to this point . I feel like I have accomplished my future . I feel like I am living my dreams and I don’t want to wake up. I’m happy loving Michael and seeing Harmonie I’m in love with it. It makes me sooo happy and its irony, Kaylanna is supposed to be in this position and I am in it and it like wooow, what the hell am I complaining about. I have him to thank for this. Its like i dont care about how he feels or is planning or is thinking when it comes to me i just know i love him and i know thats all i want to do along with my other life. and this is my favorite season so i am going to take advantage of the time i have here. the fall inspires me. I’m not a girlfriend and I’m not a wife but I want to be it whether I earn a title or not. Usually when you have the qualities of a jobs, you usually are hired but at this point I rather work without pay because I love what I do i dont need a ring lol but at a certain point its appreciated. I’m not asking for nothing in return because every action I perform fulfill me and I’m so happy. Enjoy it while it last right? Make the best of today right? That’s what I thought😏

When I talked to Michael about what I was doing over the past few days, something happened afterwards, it’s like I had cleared out some of my thoughts so I could think and get a clear understanding of what I was trying to come to an understanding about and it worked. I came to a conclusion very easily by doing that. That’s why I talk to myself or why people do that sometimes it’s really necessary. Just like sometimes I have to write things down in order for them to stick , like the really important stuff or it left floating in my brain waiting to be remembered and used

Random Rambles

I let Michael fertilize me we talked about it and we agreed that if he asked me to get the pill would I get it. Yea regardless of what I want because I know my situation and I see my reality without a doubt . I purposely had people talk me out of it and thankfully I can afford to make mistakes but I can’t afford the consequences. It felt good though but I got the pill and I’m ok. We are ok. I swear I do to much. I’m not surprised if someone tells me that but I realized that’s how I love and enjoy my time with whoever I’m with. I can’t do it any other way. I know to show affection, love hard and give my all, sadly I am indeed going to end u getting hurt but the learning experience was so worth it. I wouldn’t give it up for the world I just know I have to keep myself happy through the process. So far I’m doing good and I’m proud if myself so much. I just know I really do too much for something that’s not even mine but its ok. Sometimes working hard when u know ur not getting anything in return but a good feeling is the best gift ever.

I’m falling in love with him. He is coming in between me and my relationship with myself. It has to be a balance. For some reason I crave him every time I’m near him. I hate it but it feels so good. I just want this feeling to slow down because I can’t keep up. I love when I spend time alone it brings me back to my mind to who I know I am when I’m around him. I can’t let him take over me. There has to be a balance. I almost kept his child and that would of been the most dumbest decision of my life. Pain is forming in my hands and it frustrates the hell out of me soooo bad. I have to do everything right

Random Rambles

Just before he showed up I looked over at the sky. It was so beautiful it was blue and the sun was setting this was at 7:55pm. At pf changs fairlaneIt was 88 degrees outside I had on a dress that I felt so beautiful in. I just got my eyebrows done also, I didn’t really like them because they were too thin but they still looked decent. I saw Michael pull up in front of the entrance, idk why but that was a beautiful site to see. His lol sunburst orange pearl car against the sunset. He had on his scrubs and he just came back from school. He looked so…. Wow. So he looked at me and I was kind of scared because I didn’t know what he wanted me to do so I assumed he want me to put my bags in the car but he was staring at me then I remembered how I was looking. So I went to the car at put my things in. Lol he was about to drive off but I caught the door. Lol then he told me that he was just letting me out my bags in the car. So he parked the car. Lol then he was saying where’s my outfit and I was in shock like idk lol. I was happy to see the mood he was in. He was happy and that’s all I wanted for him the whole night because I know he works so hard. So we went in I told him I made reservations this time because I didn’t know how busy it was gonna be. Lol he seemed impressed. So we sat down lol we were talking and he was telling me about the emails from the three musketeers and how they weren’t really understanding about his school schedule especially Bonnie ugh. So we talked and he talked about his day and the drive to school and how he went a whole mile with his eyes closed on Ford road. I was in such shock and I was like wow. So then he was telling me. Lol we talked about a lot he was joking about how it was an Asian restaurant and there weren’t any Asians. Lol I just laughed. I was so glad to see that after that long night we had that he wasn’t really showing any sign of… He was just happy and I didn’t want to irritate him so I just present myself well because I had time to recover my mind by myself earlier with the shopping and the relaxing and the encounters I had with people. I also walked in the heat from the school to the mall and it was hot and I was sweating but it felt so good listening to music. I saw a little bit of we’re the millers the movie was only 5 dollars . Lol I told Michael I saw a movie and he said u went to the movies?? I was like yea. It seemed like he was shocked. I had to leave early because it was getting close to him gettin off and I was trying to get in touch with him I called him about 6:15 pm and he was in class and i was so frustrated because I couldn’t hear him and then I realized I didn’t finish my movie because I began to worry about hi. Getting mad at me for not telling him where I was or the fact that he might have called me while I was in the theatre and I could not get any surface for the life of me. So I got in touch with him . He told me it was ok for the dinner thing and he just wanted to get some sleep. So I was sure of myself that I wouldn’t interfere. I was able to think on my feet when I was handling all of that business and it felt like it was exercise for my brain and I want more moments like that so I am going to make sure I do that. It makes me so much more comfortable with my thinking process. So I realized that after the night ended that I was putting him before myself and with a passion I could not let that happen so I am taking steps to put myself first because after realizing I didn’t want a child because of my reality, I decided to take advantage of me caring for myself more than anybody because I can do that and it feels so great to not worry about someone so much and to love them and yourself. I lost myself with Donald and I see it when it comes to Michael and I don’t want my feelings for him to consume me because it doesn’t feel good to know at the end of the day after you loved him and did everything you thought would satisfy him to make him happy so he can love you am nobody else, that you haven’t done anything to make yourself happy and then it’s a struggle and then ur unhappy and confused and going crazy because you forgot about the most important person in the relationship, and that’s you. So I’m proud that I’m able to realize these things before its too late. And I’m proud of myself because when he told me about him going to Applebee’s with Kaylanna my curiosity level was very low. I didn’t care. I realized that I don’t want to know what is gonna happen tomorrow and I cherish the past put I want right now and that’s all I have a passion for. That what I think about every time I doubt me and Michael . I kiss him or hug him or touch him because he is there with me at that moment and it feels so good it overpowers all the negativity and doubts and worries and speculations and curiosities and it make me realize what I have at that moment I’m not giving up at that moment because if I had to give him up in the next hour or minute I know I cherished him the minute before i lost him. I love me and Michael . And I love me and I love Michael. It’s the most appreciated relationships. Something I realized I am thankful for. I am so thankful for Kaitlynn and she has no idea how thankful I am for her. I love you Kaitlynn